Simple Pleasures

Posted on August 14, 2011 by

Simple Pleasures = anything or activity that can be acquired or performed easily to conjure a sense of euphoria. It is sometimes linked exponentially to a person’s wealth or want of.

When I asked people what are their simple pleasures, I get all sorts of answers. It can be a walk in the garden, a nice cup of tea or waking up in a seaside resort, having a massage or spa session. Everyone has their definition of simple pleasures. Ask a kid without much, playing a game of soccer or licking an ice-cream is pure happiness. Ask a city kid, they might say x-box, wii, nintendo and some other games that I’ve never heard of. Ask a new father, he might say the sound of his child’s laugh and ask a new mother, 5 mins of the couch doing nothing.

When I was working 10-12 hours a day where deadlines were promised and delivered, I felt the need for something big like a trip or a beautiful dress to reward myself. Very soon, I realised that something expensive bought had probably a milege of a week’s pleasure and then it was just another thing I have. Travelling will be my special treat but for simple pleasures, I’ve decided that with the same amount of money for an expensive thing / experience, my pleasures would last for a longer time in small doses a day. That was when I learnt the economy of simple pleasures.

Remember Maria singing “My Favourite Things” in the movie, “The Sound of Music”. It’s also one of my favourite songs.

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I’m feeling sai simply remember my favourite things
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Admidst a thunder storm with my roof roaring with the pattering of rain, I tucked into my blanket and remembered my simple pleasures:

- A morning coffee with a good book to read or with a friend
- A walk in the supermarket or stationary store
- Buying stationary
- Waking up to music on my iPod
- Cheery strawberries
- Blueberries
- Listening and watching the rain drops on my rooftop window
- Breakfast in bed
- Ready cut watermelon or mangos
- Watching snowflakes and touching my cold cold nose
- Reading cards from friends
- Waking up to a kiss and a cuddle

The list isn’t that long but sometimes, even simple pleasures are hard to come by. It is starting to rain again and a sense of melancholy swept over me with the memory of the last point.

Fortunately, I’ve had my morning coffee, watching the world go by and next to me from my recent market purchase are cherry tomatoes and cherry strawberries for later. That wil do.

By the way, I need to reconsider blueberries in the list, they are getting expensive and rare. Hmm..

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To dream or not to dream

Posted on August 10, 2011 by

They say hope is what makes progress. To have hope is to be able to dream. I’m not sure how it would work the other way to dream and not have hope. I think this equation is a one way street.

A few days ago I met 2 American girls. They were travelling and we hung out. What a breath of fresh air! I felt my 10 years difference even though they graciously said I looked younger than they are. They had such hope, such ferocity in living. We were at the book store and they pointed all the good books the kind that you knew you’ll be crying and laughing when you read them. And they had read them, weathered through the moments that touched their souls, melt their hearts and turned pages with teary eyes. This is what dreams are made of, courage to hope. Beside them, I’m was infected. So dare I say, here’s my dream, before I recover from the disease or develop immunity.

I dream that the guy I love will cross my path in central park in new York city in autumn. And he’ll realise that he can love and commit and that he is made for couple hood. And he’ll come to me on christmas eve because that’s how we started, knocks on the door to my little Parisian apartment, with my favourite flowers, tulips, in his hands or some wild little flowers, and tells me he wants to give it a try. That we will work it out, to have work that we love and travel to the ends of the world to discover new things, to relive old magic, to uncover theories that we can talk about endlessly and have glorious copulation. (just to observe the civilities of internet language.)

There, in a breath, that’s my dream. I’m so tempted to add my usual realistic practical pessimistic self defeating words but I’ll hold it. I’ll dream for a moment. I might even pick up one of those books my American friends mentioned. I’ll be damned. That’s all I’ll say.

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To be or not to be

Posted on August 4, 2011 by

To be or not to be, that is the question. Shouldn’t that be the first question I should have asked at the beginning of this section of the blog? You may ask. It is not a question to be asked or when you have hope in your choices. When Hamlet asked this question, it was when he already knew what was to be.

In not so little words, many has asked me this question. On a visit to my doctor, he asked if I have a family, boyfriend, children, husband and then started an hour’s lecture on the importance of having children since I’m no longer young and I should make it right with my family. Then with people around me asking why don’t you go home, take a rest with your family. How do you explain in so little words that I have a family that doesn’t exist in my life, can’t have children and may not be meant for couple hood.

Then the universe attempted to show me the question. In the last 10 months, I had been hospitalised, had panic attacks, passed out with reaction to medication. And there is no emergency contact. I walked out of the hospital, recovered consciousness on my own, stayed on my sofa and ate whatever dried food I had since I was too weak to cook. There was no one I can think of to come to my house and hug me while I cry my eyes out.

I think the cosmic had that planed a long time ago. I was born into a situation where I have now come to admit that my parents couldn’t love me. I can’t change that. But when I could choose a career, I have ended up in the most isolated kind of job for the last 12 years. My new venture is an even lonelier path. It’s an invisible hand leading me through these doors to rooms that get smaller and smaller.

Did you know that couples tend to prefer to hang out with couples? Like married with children are more often with couples with children. So when all your friends are coupled up, double or triple dates will be more and ore often. Friends are all over the globe and when as a kid, I had started working since 12, I don’t exactly spend much time making friends until much much later in life.

So what is to be? It’s not really a bad story compared to millions out there.

But finally with a clarity of mind, engulfing my thoughts more and more often is that it will be a being that stands alone. To be is to accept it and work with it. Not that I not used to it. Watching movies alone, travelling across the world, dinning in restaurants, talking to myself. Not to be is to deny the reality and feel the anguish of life not as I want it to be.

Like a friend said, maybe I’m just not meant to be married or to have children. I thought giving up marriage and children can make it easier but I guess, I’m also not meant to have someone.

I have to be.

Suddenly, the days seemed really long like the summer days. Most people love summer and I’m allergic to everything in summer. Now that’s the universe proving a point.

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Coming Home in “Country Strong”

Posted on July 27, 2011 by

The famous line ‘home is where the heart is’ has weathered through decades of change. From black and white television to colour, from printed books to digital and from letters to emails and messages on facebook. The significance of ‘home’ as people become more nomadic and mobile and alone. And so it is that to lose your heart is to lose your home.

Country Strong must be the most underrated movie of the year. Written and directed by Shana Feste is a movie about country singers. If you hate country music, you probably shouldn’t watch it. But if you are not averse to it, then watch it and let it tell you the story of how easy it is to lose your way. The lead character Kelly Canter is played by Gwyneth Palthrow who portrayed an alcoholic country singer super star’s fall from grace with a heartbreaking fragility. By contrast, the upcoming new country star Chiles Stanton, played by Leighton Meester of Gossip Girls fame, is the fresh face prelude performer before Kelly comes on stage. Both were vying to sing the song “Coming Home”. But who can sing this better unless it meant something to come home?

“It’s a four letter word

A place where you go to heal your heart

It’s an alter, it’s a shelter

One place you’re always welcome.

…

Where the memories will keep you company

Whenever you are alone.”

Part of the lyrics in “Coming Home”

These memories of laughter, joy, sadness and tears are there to remind us of life and people around us. If the home is where the heart is, then a welcoming home is where the heart matters. It’s a cliche but I guess true for most people, that someone to hug or to hold is what matters. And these are also the memories that keep hope alive for the home to mean something. The song continues:

“Well they say it’s where the heart is

And I guess the hardest part is

When your heart is broken

And you’re lost out in the great wide open

There ain’t nothing but blue sky now.”

So what happens if there are no good memories or enough to keep you going? What happens if they’ve ran their mileage and you have drawn out the last joy in them and what is left is regret or emptiness? That is the danger of losing one’s way to forget what matters and stop storing memories for the heart to go home to.

Someone talked about emotional anchoring recently. It never ceases to amaze me how strong the anchor of people I’ve met. They’ve got the the gigabytes size memories of love from family and friends that they carry with them everywhere they go. They form the invincible shield against whatever life brings. It is their shelter, their shield and their anchor whenever they need to retreat and rest and recover and find courage.

When you can say, “f**k this, I’m going home.” If you haven’t realise by now, it is a power that no one can take from you. This is power of coming home.

Country Strong examines this through Kelly. Sometimes showing life’s ugly side and sometimes, the sweetness of life. I think it’s all in the songs. Listen well.

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Social Capital

Posted on July 8, 2011 by

Social Capital = The gathering of favours that in turn become a form of currency.

Social capital is not a new concept. If you look into organisations, you will find that outside of the command and order system, there is an intricate system of networks that function and perform tasks that may not be indicated by their line managers. Often we can recognise the people who are the “go to persons”. They either have or can get the information required. And they can lobby for project participation and motivation. People gather or become in debt thus forming a social bank of credits and debits that cannot be explained by their job description.

While it is largely acknowledged to be present in the corporate world (at least until now), does it exist outside in the social circles? I wonder.

In today’s society, the currency among friends seems, and probably rightly som to be completely different. The level of fun they can have to gather, maximising that forms a priority criteria. People hang out with people for the fun factor, similar interests and mutual benefits.

In primitive society, people are more dependent on the community. If I needed sugar but ran out, I could call on a neighbour for a favour. In turn, I may make a cake and offer them a part as repayment for their help. Today, everything is at our doorstep, if indeed I had ran out of sugar, I could run down to the 24 hour convenient store for some. People are more independent today with enablers such as internet, technology, innovations and commercialisation.

What I wonder continuously is that while social capital is a form of currency of favours in the corporate world, in effect, many of my true friendships came from my colleagues and ex-colleagues. While we turn to each other for favours, the willingness to step out of our way to make someone’s life easier is deeply appreciated. It had ceased to become just a form of currency but built towards sincere gratitude that form the building blocks of friendships.

By contrast, I think I have yet to master the capital for friends. I have great friends who had seen me through tough times but I can hardly recall any accumulation of favours. On the other hand, I can also remember handing out favours to people who then turn out not desiring anything other than that.

So, with this new generation with strong focus on fun, social networks, cool factor, will that seeped into the corporate world? And will social capital continue to be a concept that remains?

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Watching “Beginners” at any age.

Posted on June 29, 2011 by

Beginners directed by Mike Mills

“People like us, half them think it will never work out. The other half believe in magic.” Anna (Played by Melenie Laurent)

Beginners is a movie directed by Mike Mills about a simple story filled with complicated emotions told quite simply. The story began with Oliver (Played by Ewan McGregor) clearing up the apartment of his recently deceased father, Hal (Played by Christopher Plummer). And he remembered his father coming out to him at 75 years out after the death of his mother  that he was gay and then he had contracted cancer and then he died. And Olivier inherited Arthur, his father’s dog.

Throughout the movie, we learnt about Hal’s last days folded into a developing love story between Oliver and Anna whom had met at a party. And all this while he drew the “history of sadness” for his clients. The scenes of sadness, happiness, emptiness, holding up, falling apart, silence, detachment intertwined to form a sublime bitter sweet formula.

Olivier had 4 relationships before Anna that he had let them fall apart. Caring for his dying father was a long preparation for loss. But his father was 75, declared gay, looking for love, took out advertisements, socialized, went to parties, discovered house music. Oliver loving Anna seemed to be a long anticipation for loss. They had fun, they went out, they talked about their lives through play-acting. The dog, Arthur had more insightful lines (yes, the dog’s thoughts are subtitled).

If the world is made up of 2 kinds of people, the ones who believe it won’t work out and the ones who believe in magic, Oliver and Anna seemed to have fallen through the cracks to form the third kind. The kind who believes in magic in other’s lives and believes it won’t out for them. Olivier was preparing so long for the imminent loss of his father to cancer that holding on to someone seems counter intuitive. Quite frankly, wouldn’t we be scare like him?

By contrast, Hal found and lost love and life began after 75 for him. I wonder how he found the courage and the skills to do it. Just a character in a movie, you’d say. But don’t we hear of stories like these? People who found love at any age; people who are still fighting for gay rights to marriage? New York has just announced legalizing gay marriages. For those who fought, magic has happened.

So, we have to choose don’t we? Choose to believe in magic or not. I’m belong to the third population. Magic happened everyday around me for my friends. They found love, lost love and found love again. I celebrate their love, their marriage, say a prayer for their happiness to be forever. I watched them get pregnant, watch their kids grow up. But I haven’t quite figured it out yet, how it will work out for me. Where’s my magic? So yes, in my 30s like, Olivier and Anna, we are beginners. Where’s the manual?

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To remember or not to remember

Posted on May 21, 2011 by

I didn’t remember. There were gaps in my life that I didn’t remember until recently. My life from approximately 9 – 16 years old had always been fuzzy. It seemed I had packed them away in a box and tucked them real deep into my sub-consciousness. That was then.

I couldn’t figure out why I don’t remember any friends from school except 2 or 3 or spending time with them or hanging out. I didn’t realize I had never been with my sister before she was 6 years old. I couldn’t understand why I had aunties and uncles and cousins and yet when I’m sick, I didn’t have them on my emergency dial. Actually, I don’t have anyone on emergency dial.

Then I had to remember. Because it’s been years and I should really deal with it. There was no big traumatic event or an accident or a day I could say that changed my life. Not really. It was just incidents, little by little, day by day, and all the experiences that added up and now, it seemed to make more sense.

I didn’t have friends or remember hanging out with anyone because I had started working when I was 12. Every school holiday, I was somewhere working from 7.30 – 6 and after that, I’d be so tired that I slept. My friends didn’t call me because my younger brother, the darling of the family, didn’t allow me to use the phone when he wanted it and that’s all the time.

I didn’t talk to my aunties or my uncles because I didn’t know what to say. My mum was hitting me and screaming at me and she would be really upset if there is trouble in the family like my brother having a fight with me. And when she was upset, she would take it out on me. She had lots to deal with, money, children, work, etc.

I didn’t remember many things. I knew there were there but the memories were mixed up. I had the idea that my mum was 21 (that was when she had me) when she started beating me. Then I realized, she was 33, right about the time I realized that. I thought my sister hated me then I remembered we didn’t grow up together. She was with someone till she was 6, so I didn’t know her before that. I remembered why I still can’t quite eat canned sardines. I ate it every day for lunch for years. When I started remembering, I thought these must be dreams and I made them up.

I remembered some things really well. I remembered being the “smarty pants” in school and everyone hated me. I remembered joining so many clubs and activities, my school grades and activity points combined would blow you away.

Someone told me, I should write about it. Now that I remembered, it can’t be my story or my only story. Because if it was, I’m not sure I can forgive. There was so much going on with my mum and so many different reasons I’ve built up for her that I was never angry with. There was no forgiveness when there was no fault. And who can it harm if we just keep them in the box and dig a hole and bury it?

But now I remembered. There is no return. And it’s not so much the remembering but the realization and the timeline and the outcome. I don’t know if it’s a good thing. I am afraid, afraid that I will blame everything on others and become an angry and bitter person. I am so afraid. The inferno of anger could eat me alive and take over.

I don’t know. Memory is an idle man’s poison. To some, I’m sure it’s a cure, bringing a smile to the face, giving faith in love and strength to face the future. I’m not sure mine will be. But idle I am and I’ll need to face the past.

There is nothing tragic, just circumstances. I’m breathing, eating and has a shelter. I’m not in a warzone or fighting a terminal disease or sold to slavery. That’s just life.

But memories are a powerful force. And my life made sense to me now, I have no more excuses, I’ll have to fight against the damage of the past and find a way out to a future. That’s where it gets tricky. How do you know if you love someone if you’ve never been loved or hugged? How do you feel secure when there is no “fuck it all, I’ll just go back to…”?

I’m not sure remembering is such a great thing. But this I’ll say, don’t have a kid if you’re not sure you’ll going to be able to love it. Don’t have a kid for yourself but for the kid. Don’t have a kid because it’s the passage of life or because it’s what people do. Because a life is at stake here. Not that I’m generalizing but trust me, if you are not that kid who wasn’t loved, you don’t know the amount of work it takes to be happy. And sometimes, hard work don’t work too.

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